When you've been depressed for a while a good day is a really weird sensation.
It's sorta like the tingling after your foot's fallen asleep. You've been incapable of feeling things for a while and then suddenly you're happy. You felt it, you're sure. But then the tingling starts in... Is this happiness fleeting? How long will it last? Is it just a memory of happiness, a mirage?
I began to doubt my happiness. But no, it was there.
Since there were feelings now, there could also be bad feelings and it must be better not to get my hopes up only to have them dashed again. So I should probably focus on the bad feelings. I started looking for bad feelings.
What the heck?! I finally said to myself. If I'm feeling good, then I should feel good! Who knows how long it will last anyway?
That was my mantra for my good day.
Even if it doesn't last tomorrow, or even the rest of the day, I'm going to enjoy what I can.
This blog is about small steps and when I hit rock bottom this was the smallest thing I could do. Taking something for my chemical imbalance was first, but that one felt like a REALLY big step. This one is less encumbering.
Feel what I felt.
Really feel it. When it was happiness, I felt happy. When it was fear, I felt afraid. Nervous, overwhelmed, excited, tired. It was as though I was feeling them all for the first time. I shared the feelings instead of pretending they weren't there or trying to feel something else.
I had a good day.