I showed up this morning.
I did something. It had become obvious no one else was going to show up. And it needed to be done.
Through the longest season of depression I've experienced so far in my life, I'm learning one thing that really and actually helps me everyday I do it is: just showing up.
I tend to have really high expectations of myself and if I think I won't be able to meet my own expectations then it would be better if I never got started.
For example: I love photography, but I'm not very good and once I figured it out, I stopped taking pictures.
But when I get really depressed, it turns into "I don't think I'm going to do a good job at being alive today." Then I pull the covers a little higher, snooze a little longer and choose not to show up.
But today I showed up.
I got out of bed.
I wrote a post last year about how sometimes you have to allow yourself pride in doing small things. (You may think I write for you... au contraire, mes amis. I wrote it for myself.) As my depression lessens, getting out of bed gets easier. I patted myself on the back for doing something small and let it be all I expected from myself today.
Then I decided I wanted to do more.
I've been trapped in a situation I didn't want to be in for months and everytime I reach out to try to get out of it, it seems like my hand gets slapped. I pull it back in and nurse my "wound". Today I slapped back. I punched fear in the face. I stepped out and got myself unstuck. And honestly, all I had to do was show up. One more time.
It felt so good.
I couldn't have done it without:
1) stuffing my head full of truth instead of lies, even when I didn't want to.
(Telling myself I could face the day even if it didn't turn out perfectly... When I wanted to believe I couldn't face imperfection.)
2) some serious support from my husband
3) some serious prayers from my sister-in-law
I'm beginning to see a light in the darkness and even when I can't see it, I can trust my Father will bring the light. He loves me unconditionally, even the days I can't get out of bed.
He will never be disappointed by me.
That's beginning to change everything. Giving me the strength to keep showing up.
And let's be real here. I wrote this and planned to publish it and... then I had another bad night and I had to remind myself of this again. It's like an excruciating game of monopoly where you play for days and almost lose ten times and almost win ten times, but the luck keeps changing hands and you wonder if the game will ever just end. I'm so done with depression, people.