It's early in the morning. I'm not sure why I feel so awake. I check the clock because I'm pretty sure I should be sleeping for a while still, it must be 3 AM.
Nope, 5:45. Not early enough to be pissed, not late enough to get out of bed either.
I roll to the other side to try to snooze another fifteen minutes at least. Sides are my only two options these days. The baby blocks my lifetime favorite stomach-sleeping and adds too much pressure to sleep on my back. I get as comfortable as I can on the other side and rest my hand on my still pretty little belly and that's when it begins.
The baby must have felt me move and is doing the same. Roll to the other side.
I just smile.
I poke the place where the baby moved to.
Baby kicks back.
I poke back.
The movement in the mornings is so much more than any other time of day. But I can't be upset about it.
I love it.
And I never get back to sleep.
One morning J was uncommonly awake at that hour as well and he felt his most sizable movement yet. The joy, the astonishment, the three of us laying together in the peaceful, quiet, early morning. Best family moment ever.
Somehow, in those moments accomplishments vanish.
Most of my life I've thought it's what moments were made for. Accomplishing something.
I thought a moment which accomplished nothing was wasted and I lost a bit of my value each time a moment was wasted.
I've always used moments to try to enhance my self-worth. To be a "better" person. I thought if I did enough good things I'd finally believe I was good enough.
I have a quote from Jon Acuff (well, his counselor, I guess) on my desktop which challenged that idea and I allowed it to challenge me:
I've actually started challenging myself to accomplish nothing and be proud of it.
See I'm the type of person who says, "I'm going to go relax at the pool." Then I come back and if I can't see any extra tan on my skin, I think it was a waste. Wasn't I supposed to be relaxing? No. I was trying to accomplish enhancing my appearance.
It was last September I put the quote on my desktop and I didn't start getting it until I felt the baby move in the early mornings--which wasn't until June.
Some things take a long time to learn, but they're usually worth it.
I've been addicted to accomplishing and I know accomplishments are good. But they don't make me more or less valuable. They don't make me a good person, or a good wife and they especially won't make me a good mom.
I'm good enough to be this baby's mom because I am this baby's mom. I'm valuable to this world because I am. I'm a part of this world.
I'm worth something even when I accomplish nothing.