A verse in the bible says: God will give you the desires of your heart.
I somehow began to believe there was hidden meaning in this verse: God would give me new desires in my heart.
If I wanted a pony he wouldn't necessarily give me a pony, but if I wanted a pony, God knew (because He knows the future) what I really want is a puppy. And he would give me the desire to have a puppy.
So I'm twenty-nine years old and I've spent a good portion of those years trying to figure out what I'm supposed to desire.
I told everyone my last year in high school I wanted a degree in psychology and I wanted to be a counselor.
Everyone told me I didn't want that.
"Psychology is the degree everyone gets when they don't know what they want, so you won't be able to find any work until you get your masters."
It made sense to me.
Getting a psychology degree must not be what I really want.
I have to admit I've spent a lot of time discouraged because it didn't seem like the thing I wanted was ever the right thing. I kept trying to want the right thing--things I maybe didn't even like, but I thought God would give me the desire for--but it seemed like I always picked the wrong thing.
"Maybe I want to be a photographer."
"Well, it's a nice hobby, but you don't want the thing fun in your life to become your JOB do you?"
"No, I guess I don't want that. I'll just take photos as a hobby."
And then the ever pressuring demands from my religious system were always there whispering in my ear.
"But you know what you want more than anything else?" They'd say. "You want to be a mom. When you have kids, all these jobs you want now, you won't want them anymore. You'll want to stay home with your kids."
"Yes, I'll want that. I need to be prepared to suddenly not want the things I want now because the only thing I'll REALLY want is to stay home and be a mom."
I've been prepping myself for ten years to want things I don't want. And for ten years I've been ready to want to quit my job and stay home with kids. And not to want anything else after again.
I read the verse in the Bible again after I discovered God isn't codependent and my view of the verse changed... again. You know what the verse says? It says:
Not new desires.
The ones in your heart.
He'll give you the desires already in your heart.
Those secret things we've always wanted, but have been too afraid to tell others because we thought they might tell us we don't actually want them. Those are the things God wants to give you.
I'm giving myself permission to want things again. To want a healthy baby and provision for my family. To want to become a best-selling author. I want to be good at playing and having fun. I want healthy, strong friendships. I want to travel.
I'm still in the process of unlearning a lot of things I learned growing up, but I'm on a journey to find what I want from life and start asking God for it.