I usually preface my blogs telling you how I used to be this way but this thing encouraged me and now I'm working on being that way.
Today is a little different.
My counselor told me about 2 months ago that my depression was worsening and she thought I should start taking medication.
I have to be honest. That was really hard for me to hear. I had been trying so hard to change on my own and instead of it getting better, even with all my trying, it was worse. Ever since then I've pretty much given up on my life. It was before I lost the baby and since then it's only gotten worse. I'm taking medication and still most days I don't think I will ever get better. It's hard enough to get out of bed, that I can't even think of going to the gym. It's hard enough to get myself to eat, let alone cook something healthy. And it's desperately hard to encourage people (you, dear reader) that you can make it in life, that you can accomplish your dream when I've all but given up on mine.
Depression is shitty.
I'm sorry, I know that's not a pretty word, but I think the word I'm looking for is actually much more unpleasant, so think shitty and take one more step into the sewer. That's what depression is.
I just keep thinking, "I wish I had a different life." I wish I were a different me. I wish I had a different job. Different interests, different talents, a different home, different (more) friends, different (more) money, and people all around me telling me "You can do it. You're valuable."
So today, as I was sitting here thinking all those completely devaluing thoughts that my counselor tells me to stop (and she's right, they're not helping anything) I accidentally had a counter thought.
How would I do it over if I were 17 again getting ready for college? Or if my marriage were ruined and I could go back a few years and change something? Or if I burned a bridge when I was 20, would I have acted differently?
In an effort to be completely honest, I was actually thinking about how I would have wanted others to treat me, instead of how I would have acted differently, but I eventually got my head turned in the right direction. Towards me.
The only person I can change is me.
So I'm asking myself: If you could do it over again...
What kind of wife would you have been? (/What kind of husband would you have been?/What kind of parent would you have been?)
What degree would you have gotten in college?
Who would you have forgiven and pursued a friendship with?
What would you have said no to?
What would you have said yes to?
Here's the thing: I can do it over again. I can make those changes today and it's going to be a lot more work and apologizing than if I had done it from the start, but it still means I'm not stuck.
I just have to start.
Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter if we can at least feel a little unstuck today and start starting over.