Last week was a very difficult one. Last week, month, and many parts over the year have been very difficult.
Then, I’m not even sure how I can say that. This year has by far been the most productive, rewarding, goal-crushing year of my life. I ran and finished my first race and not only that, but I hit my goal. I wrote a book in thirty days. I've been blogging consistently. I've stayed at one job for over a year (that’s a big deal for me) and they still like me and gave me a raise. I've been in counseling and we got a puppy and she’s pretty well trained, too. But still, I’m having a really difficult season.
I have depression. Sometimes it’s more severe than others. Lately it's been severe.
The truth is that I started this blog trying to find meaning in my life. I wanted to find meaning by helping others and I thought maybe, if I did, I would stop being so depressed.
A lot of the things I've talked about in this blog I didn't figure out on my own. Going through a really low time, my counselor would share with me ideas on how to get out of it and then when it worked, I’d share. I wanted others to have the same freedom I was finding. But I was only sharing the good days. I tried to be honest that they weren't all good, but I don't think I was honest about how bad the bad days were.
Some days the physical weight on my heart is more than I can bear. All I want to do is sleep. It’s my escape from the emotional and physical pain. I’m still seeing my counselor regularly and it helps.
In case there is anyone else out there who also experiences this, I wanted to share so you can know you're not alone. So often I think I'm alone. I think I can’t move forward. I think I will stay sad for a long time. I think I've messed up my whole life and it’s beyond repair. Then I crawl into my bed and try to just forget my thoughts.
I just want others who deal with depression to know that I'm here, too. We're in this together. I went to a support group this week and one person who shared dealt with depression. When she explained how she felt, I thought, “ME! That’s how I feel! Someone understands me!” Somehow that was enough. No one fixed her problem, no one fixed mine. But we were in it together.
It’s easier for me to have hope for you than it is for me to have hope for me. So maybe if we know there's someone else who understands AND believes we can feel better, it really might help us. I can have hope for you and you can hope for me and together we can defeat this.
Overcoming depression may be the biggest elephant I've tried to eat. I’m trying to remind myself, just one bite, just take one bite today. Just put on your shoes. You can do this. I don't have a light at the end of this tunnel, yet, but one bite at a time I believe I'll be able to see it.